Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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