i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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