Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
