I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
