Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
