alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
pop tarts are not kleenex
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
