Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
