They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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