Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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