We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
