OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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