if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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