Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
