Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
