my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
