I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
