i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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