Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
