She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
