Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
