its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
