I wish my penis had an off switch
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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