Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
The best revenge is premature balding
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
