I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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