so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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