I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
