i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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