They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
