The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
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Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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