I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
