If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Randomize
