Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
