I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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