its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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