I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
