she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
BRING THE BAGELS
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
