i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
