Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
