So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
