Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
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it's great music for shaving your balls
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
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when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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