If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
