:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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