I cannot find my penis.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
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I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
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I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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