We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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