I wish I could teleport
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
