I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
