porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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