he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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