he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize