I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
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If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
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i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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