I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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