If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
