I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
