In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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