I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
