I wish I only lived at night.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
