my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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