Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
