Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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