I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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