I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
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