so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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